Chess With My Rapist

I have so many questions for you
And are you here to answer
them? Or are you long gone
to another world I know not?
These things press upon m heart so
My psyche, forever tainted by
your words, your moves, your
checkmate.

I once loved you, perhaps I still
do in some strange way
But I loved him more
And he let me love you despite
All that you put me through
You once cried real teas
Did you love me too?

I can't be caught up in
this anymore, in you
But I obsess, and this fixation
breeds in my mind like a
virus, desperately searching out
a healthy host.
Do you think of me? When do
I cross your mind?
I remember those days so
clearly, the emotions and angst so dramatically
I've never forgotten, your checkmate.

Do you feel I betrayed you,
when I chose him over you?
Your best friend? Your heart
broken into a thousand little pieces?
I died inside that day, deep in
my heart of hearts, but you never knew
Or did you? Because I called
and you hurt yourself over it,
over me
And I never intended to hurt
you, I loved you, my check
Bu you forced a decision,
one I wasn't ready to make,
and you lost, my checkmate.

We couldn't get it back, that
deep friendship we began.
And so you waited, clenching
your jaw, feigning happiness...
or was it security? You sat
in the shadows and watched
And I knew your eyes so well
Once, now frigid, I fear
If I could hold your
heart, you'd give me
nothing but punishment.

Torture? Is that what it
was? Because looking at me
with him hurt, I know,
It hurt me too, please know
this above all else
It was never easy being his
Any misstep was your
command, cards close to your
broken heart, your check.

But did you know the whole
story? The REAL one? The
one where I was oppressed,
pressured, cornered as a frightened deer?
I believe you didn't care what was real because you took
my queen, and then my
king, both literally and
figuratively. Check, checkmate.

And you laughed. Why?
Then you hit me. Why?
Next came humiliation and
overtly public exposure.
Beat my dead pawns, over
and over, ad over
Groping me under the table,
Convincing me it was my
fault, and laughing
I cried over you, and every
day, my heart would ache
Even after he left me.
Why didn't you want me anymore?
I can't think of what
I have done to deserve it,
To deserve your gut wrenching persecution, an assassination
beyond benefit.
What did you gain? Your checkmate.

I rack my brain, but find
no answers, you never answered me.
Did you love me?
It would have been so different
If you had.
I could forgive you that, but
you never went there. You kept
your heart from me, a move, a check.
I didn't want you like that,
I would have given you my everything. My checkmate.
But, why did you push?
Why could we not move past your wall?
I had to shower, repetitively,
to get the smell of you off
of me, and I had loved you.
You did it anyway.
You didn't chase after me.
You let me leave in that position.
And I had loved you?

I need to now if you were run out of town.
I need to know if you did it to anyone else.
I need to know if you have reasons, and I need to know
what they were. Or are.
I need my checkmate.


© Doniell Cushman. All Rights Reserved. This poem or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the author
except for the use of brief quotations in a review.